As far back as I can remember, I wasn't Jamie. Okay, yes I was. Legally. And that's the name I've been conditioned to respond to. But as far back as I can remember I've yearned for a different name. I wanted the names of my favorite characters. I wanted something other than my own. I was a very, very imaginative child to the point that I now wonder if there wasn't some association and identity issues early on. I would spend hours upon hours getting lost in make believe and the running theme was I wanted to be anyone but me. I get that this is normal, but I took it further. I projected heavily whether it be playing outside, playing with toys, lying in bed making up dream scenarios involving myself, or even just making up stories in my head with other characters but still always sort of ID-ing as the main character so that it could still be an extension of myself. Escapism may be the word for it. I just don't know.
What I do know is the common theme was I never ever ever used my own name. Granted I didn't play a lot with other kids (and that's a sad story in and of itself that would derail this post), but I don't recall anyone else having this fixation. Whenever there was a chance to pretend my name was something else, I jumped at it. I even lied a few times to other students in grade schools and was like "this is my nickname at home so you can call me that" only I picked names I would never use now (I was obsessed with the name Heidi for five minutes for some reason, no offense to Heidi's I just don't know if I look or act like one?) but alas the jerks never called me any of them - because honestly they just didn't want to talk to me at all (but again, dramatic backstory for another time). When digital avatars became a thing, you can better believe I was never Jamie. And then when identities online became a thing, I used a lot of different names in the guise of: it's safer that way. I even tried desperately to make Cali a thing for a while in early college, but was never brave enough to introduce myself blatantly as a different name.
Now at 28 I've only just finally started experimenting with getting others to actually call me something different. But because I feel like I have to somehow justify it (I have a severe case of social anxiety disorder) I still am only using my middle name, which I also don't love very much. And it's only at my new job because right out of the gate I asked them to call me by my middle name. With friends and family, I'm still Jamie. And my mom even called me Lynne once, but her tone felt patronizing or maybe it's that conditioning, or the social anxiety and fear that my parents truly think I'm ridiculous because deep down I think I'm ridiculous. And while I answer very easily to Lynne at work - it didn't even take a minute to realize this is my name and to know people meant me and not someone else - I now have the stressful notion that I'm living as two different people. I'm Lynne at work and Jamie everywhere else and eventually it's going to blow up in my face and I will be ridiculed. Did I mention social anxiety disorder?
The thing is, I won't stop going by Lynne at this job because it's at least better than Jamie. I don't like the sound of my name. I don't like the feel of my name on my tongue. I'm certain that there are many Jamie's out there that love their name. And maybe I'm insulting them because of my own issues. I get that. And I'm sorry. Truly. But I do have issues just the same and Lynne gives me a little bit of freedom from them.
The other thing is, I'm still not happy going by Lynne as the 'at least it's better' alternative. I don't like having to sign J. Lynne. I don't like the e at the end that most people forget about because it's habit to spell it without an e. And I don't like, definitely don't like that I can't have that identity everywhere if I have to have it. My mother, father, and sister would probably call me Lynne if I sincerely sincerely asked them to. But it would be weird and they could never call me it in front of extended family because my extended family is harsh and unforgiving.
I feel like at 28, I'm stuck. And nothing's going to fix it and I should deal with the other issues instead of stressing so much about a moniker. But I do stress. And the stress doesn't go away. It just sits there. I regularly feel spikes of jealousy towards other names. I regularly feel like I'm this person who is just here and doomed to hate her name (and maybe herself in general) forever. I regularly think if ever there was motivation for me to do anything within my power to get into theater or something else where a fake name is the norm it's my burning desire to just not be Jamie anymore. I've considered legally changing it - and earlier this year my mother quite literally said 'if it bothers you that much, just do it and get it over with, it's just a name' but she may have just been tired of hearing me fixate on it - but that's not something you just do and I realize there will always be those people that will call me Jamie or who will think I'm insane and the latter is what bothers me because I'm so afraid of being judged; I'm so afraid of living my life my own way for better or worse no matter what others say. And at 28 it still feels like "you probably should have done this 10 years ago before you started becoming more established and wouldn't have to change like a million different things legally to make it happen." But the option is still there.
Now that I've whined about how I really hate my name let me talk about some of the names that have for as long as I can remember been names that I've truly wished was mine and often used in make believe as a girl.
Ann, Anne and Annie has probably been the tried and truest name since the beginning. I fell in love with Ann-Marie of All Dogs Go To Heaven. I fell in love with Anne of Green Gables. And of course I fell in love with Annie from the musical. I may have also known a few adults with that name as a kid too. I've wanted to be Ann or Anne for so long and I named many of my most favorite dolls and toys this so I could project. And then I decided early on I would name a daughter Anna since I could never be an Ann. I don't know what it is about this name that even to this day I wake up and wish it was mine - even when many complain about having the name because it's common or boring or whatever - but I do. And sometimes I wish that I didn't have to settle for maybe naming a daughter what I'd rather be named myself. It doesn't help now that I've recently learned my mother wanted her own name to be Anne and told people it was for a time. Thus this name is on my short list of names I would genuinely consider for a stage name/legal name change. In terms of legal, I've considered being Anne Lynne James (Last Name) or even nixing the Lynne and doing what all the popular girls are doing these days and being Anne James (Last Name) so I can still honor my dad whose name is James (and would by more upset than if Lynne got nixed, since Lynne was my birth certificate typo'd saving grace from family members who literally wanted my middle name to be LuWayne - which I'd probably have committed suicide by now I'm serious if not).
Thanks to my having been brainwashed by Disney from an early age (kidding, but also not), Ariel and Ella have both been names I've loved since a little girl. While I haven't the confidence to be an Ariel, Ella or Elle is on my short list of names. Like Anne, I've considered Ella Lynne James (Last Name) and Ella James (Last Name) and Elle James (Last Name). Elle Lynne, obviously out sense it's just Ellen. As much as I do love Ann and have always been fond of A names, and wanted one, something about Ella feels strangely right. Even when I play with the signature. It would be really hard for me to choose between the two. If I could have the best of both worlds ignoring legal change I'd be Ella Anne and if I was an actress, singer and/or writer I'd be Ella Anne James. Signing that feels the most right of all.
Claire and Clara were names I used a lot during my make believe that I'm still very fond of, but there is not a strong connotation there. I like signing Claire, but I don't know if it's a name I could see myself as.
Emma is a name I love, but I've thought if I could name myself Ann instead of naming a daughter Anna, she'd be Emma instead. And I'm not sure if I see myself as an Emma strangely something about the name Emma feels too good for me. Like it belongs to someone prettier and more loved than me. And I don't know if it's because of Jane Austen or the adorable girls typically named Emma, but that's why I don't know if I could call myself that and not feel still like 'that isn't me.'
Likewise Elaine is a name that I've loved since about 5th grade and later loved even more when I found out it's a variation on my grandmother's name, but one that I feel like it's just too good for me. Too classy. Which is why it's long been reserved for a daughter's middle name instead.
Rose is another name on the short list because I genuinely just love this simple pretty name. I have a rosy complexion and have thus been called Rosie as a nickname in the past. And I fell in love with Rosie Cotton from The Lord of the Rings when I was much younger. And I'd love to be Rose. I'd love to be Rose James (Last Name). Or Ella Rose (Last Name). Or like Ella Anne James above, signing Ella Rose James feels really, really right too. But I don't know if I'm feminine enough for Rose and I wonder if everyone would think "OF ALL THE NAMES YOU PICK THAT ONE?"
Laura (including variations) and Amy are both worth making mention of sense I loved them a lot growing up too. But I don't if either of those would make sense. Although I had a coworker say I looked like a Lauren so that was interesting.
I think though the thing about all of the names that speak to me is that they are more feminine and juxtaposed to how Jamie sounds like a playful nickname that you don't present to others as professional. That's why I've gone with Lynne at my new job because it at least sounds professional and is quick and easy. I may never have the nerve to change my name completely, but have considered settling for Lynne and legally changing my name to Lynne James instead of Jamie Lynne. I could always drop the e too since it's confusing as heck and a typo anyhow. Or maybe I'll be Lynne at this job and eventually change jobs and go back to being Jamie professional. I just don't know, but I don't foresee myself being happy no matter what with my given name.
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